Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
