I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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