dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
