You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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