It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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