my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Even my vagina gasped.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
