Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
