Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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