god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
