How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
