his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
