i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You can't motorboat a personality
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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