I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
