Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He passed out mid-signature
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.