i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
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I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?