Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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