Swine flu. Run for my life!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
