u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
