oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
