Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Who wears a wallet chain?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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