Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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