my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
