How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
