Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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