So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.