By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after