Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.