I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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