3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
