I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
