I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
