Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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