OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I touched a dick in church today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
