you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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