y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
