I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
