He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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