He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
