I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
