The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
