she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
