I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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