Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She's the barista slut.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
