I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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