I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
