I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
