the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
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You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.