Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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