Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
