i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
