Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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