if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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