6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize