The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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