hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
