he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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