Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
