yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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